How I am feeling - September 6, 2011

Over the weekend I realized that:

• I am so thankful.
• I am overwhelmed.  
• I am forgetful.  
• I am tired.
• I am scared.

I am really thankful for all my friends and family.  Everyone is so comforting.  People listen to me. I am checked on regularly.  People are offering to help in anyway they can.  One friend wants to have a fundraiser for medical expenses.  One friend has a son that is going to wear hot pink shoe laces in his football cleats/shoes in honor of me. Another friend offered to shave his head if I lose all my hair during chemo.  I am very appreciative of the love, thoughts, prayers, concerns...all of it.  God has blessed me.
I pray that I do what I am supposed to do to glorify God through all this.
I feel like I have so much to do and so little time. Not that I think I am running out of time, I just feel like I have a lot to do. I am not doing well at balancing my time. I have things at home I need to do, paperwork, bills, etc.  I feel very unorganized. I think it is because I am not a 100% right now and I am falling behind on things in life.
I really think that the mental aspect of this is getting to me.  I wasn't so tired before Monday, August 29th. My body gets physically exhausted.  I forget a lot of things. I am assuming it is because my mind is elsewhere.
I have had crazy dreams.  One dream was about me checking the mirror throughout the day to see my hairline as it diminished.  Weird.  Last night I had a dream that all my friends had to take a test to see if they had cancer or not and I couldn't keep track of when results would be in for each friend.
Every time I have a pain in my body I automatically associate it with cancer. I am so scared that it has spread all ready.  
I also don't want others to think I feel sorry for myself.  And I really hope I don't start feeling sorry for myself.
I am also having a hard time determining who I need to tell and how to tell him/her. There are long time friends that I want to tell because I would want to know if the situation was reversed. I have friends that we don't keep in constant contact with each other, but we are still very good friends.
And I don't want to tell the story.  I really just want to send an email and say please read the blog if you are interested.  I hope that isn't shallow or lazy.